By "Blaine"
November 15, 2018
This is a warning. My name is-- well, I cannot say, for reasons which will soon become obvious. Call me Blaine. I am writing this to all students at Southwest Baptist University. Keep your head down. They are watching, whether you realize it or not. I know it sounds crazy but it is true. How did I find out? To answer that question, I have to go back to the beginning.
It all began when I first enrolled. I have a sense about things like this (it’s the only thing that has kept me alive this long.) and something just seemed… off, I guess, about this place. I could not put my finger on it. Just this vague sense of unease, like something was lurking just out of sight underneath the grand exterior of campus. My conviction grew stronger when I noticed the stress the students leading welcome week groups and initiation tours were under. They were all doing an excellent job hiding it, but they were trying too hard. Like it was of vital importance that they not say the wrong thing.
To the untrained, these red flags are nearly impossible to perceive, and even when they are the uneasy feelings accompanying them are shrugged off as crazy. Not to me though. I began to investigate, taking every precaution to avoid being found out. This investigation was long, grueling, dangerous, and tedious. After all, I did not know where to start, who to trust, what to look for, when I could look without attracting attention from whoever was behind this mysterious facade, or how to proceed. Slowly, oh so slowly, things started to fall into place. I noticed upperclassmen who had lived their younger days as “rebels” or “troublemakers” were now living with a hollowness in their eyes, and seemed too eager to fall in line. I casually began making connections high up within the student government, and was able to overhear the occasional reference to a “most wanted list.” Around this time I began to feel like I was constantly being watched. My classwork suddenly got heavier, the grading stricter, the assignments more difficult. None of my professors changed their attitudes towards me in anyway, yet I knew it could not be a coincidence. Despite my best efforts, someone discovered I was snooping around and did not like it. I had no choice but to back off my search… for the time being.
Eventually, things returned to normal. I resumed my quest for the truth, but was even more careful than before. After many months, sleepless nights, and Taco Bell drive-thrus, I uncovered what I believe to be part of the truth: there is a list of the most wanted individuals on campus, comprised of staff, faculty, and students. If you act up too much, you get put on the list, and life gets hard until you fall in line. What qualifies as acting up too much? I had to find victims of this list, and ask them. One source who shall remain anonymous (here is a hint: his name does not rhyme with ‘pork rinds’) said he was put on the list for use of “excessive use of sarcasm” in a classroom environment. Another said she had pranked her hall one time too many for the liking of the list-maker(s?). I have not confirmed this, but rumor has it the fountain is especially off-limits, and something like scuba diving in it or releasing Nemo will bring an especially harsh response.
Students, I cannot tell you what to believe. I cannot even confirm any of this with hard evidence. I still do not know who is responsible for this detestable List. But this is happening, whether we like it or not. For now, I say keep your head down. When the time comes, an uprising can and will take place, but that time is not now. I risk nearly everything just by writing this. If they find out my identity I may get kicked off campus. But the people deserve to know the truth, which is why I have taken this chance.
Stay strong,
-Blaine
This piece is purely satirical in nature and is not based on actual events. The situations depicted are purely fictitious and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the author, Infuse Student Media, or Southwest Baptist University.
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